January 2010 Archives

Since my last post (which was admittedly a little bit of blogging as therapy), things have kicked back into gear.  I've really dived into the books and articles that have done little more than take up space and attract the destructive forces of my daughter for a few months.  I've got a rough outline for the dissertation and am getting excited about it again.  I really kind of think that I'm on to something (obviously, or I would be writing about something else), but I'm almost afraid to be too specific for fear of someone else getting into print before I do... a little silly, I know.

I start things.  That's what I do.  I love the excitement of a new project.  It consumes me.  I can barely think of anything else when I've set my mind to something new.  I love the possibilities, the problem solving, the new things I learn and learn how to do...

Ok, another nerdy post.  As I (finally) wrap up reading LOTR for the 7th time, I thought I'd share some of my favorite quotes/passages.  It seems like these stick out to me every time.  One of these days I'll keep a complete log of all the passages I like, but for now, here are some of the highlights.

"I will take the Ring," he said, "though I do not know the way." - Frodo, The Fellowship of the Ring, "The Council of Elrond."

This sentence always strikes me for its demonstration of faith, and I often think of it, to myself (until now, anyway), as "Frodo's Prayer."

A deadly sword, a healing hand,

a back that bent beneath the load;

a trumpet-voice, a burning brand,

a weary pilgrim on the road.

A lord of wisdom throned he sat,

swift in anger, quick to laugh;

an old man in a battered hat

who leaned upon a thorny staff.

He stood upon the bridge alone

and Fire and Shadow both defied;

his staff was broken on the stone,

in Khazad-dûm his wisdom died.

Frodo mourning the loss of Gandalf.  The Fellowship of the Ring, "The Mirror of Galadriel."

This is maybe half the poem.  The last line in particular seems poignant, but I especially like the use of contradictory descriptors that helps really bring the character of Gandalf into focus.  (Side note: How could I have not know that Tolkien was Catholic?  His use of capitalization should have given it away a long time ago.)

How Shelob came there, flying from ruin, no tale tells, for out of the Dark Years few tales have come.  But still she was there, who was there before Sauron, and before the first stone of Barad-dûr; and she served none but herself, drinking the blood of Evles and Men, bloated and grown fat with endless brooding on her feasts, weaving webs of shadow; for all living things were her food, and her vomit darkness.  Far and wide her lesser broods, bastards of the miserable mates, her own offspring, that she slew, spread from glen to glen, from the Ephel Dúath to the eastern hills, to Dol Duldur and the fastnesses of Mirkwood.  But none could rival her, Shelob the Great, last child of Ungoliant to trouble the unhappy world.

The Two Towers, "Shelob's Lair"

Ok, so that isn't exactly in line with any other quotes that I'll be putting in this post, but I just really enjoy this description.  I debated on whether to include this passage or the passage where Sam defeats her, but opted for this one to mix things up a bit.

Suddenly the king cried to Snowmane and the horse sprang away.  Behind him his banner blew in the wind, white horse upon a field of green, but he outpaced it.  After him thundered the knights of his house, but he was ever before them.  Éomer rode there, the white horsetail on his helm floating in his speed, and the front of the first éored roared like a breaker foaming to the shore, but Théoden could not be overtaken.  Fey he seemed, or the battle fury of his fathers ran like new fire in his veins, and he was borne up on Snowmane like a god of old, even as Oromë the Great in the battle of the Valar when the world was young.  His golden shield was uncovered, and lo! it shone like an image of the Sun, and the grass flamed into green about the white feet of his steed.  For morning came, morning and a wind from the sea;  and darkness was removed, and the hosts of Mordor wailed, and terror took them, and they fled, and died, and the hoofs of wrath rode over them.  And then all the host of Rohan burst into song, and they sang as they slew, for the joy of battle was on them, and the sound of their singing that was fair and terrible came even to the City.

Sorry about the length, but I didn't feel like I could trim it beyond that and maintain the rhythm of that passage.  That is, as I write this, probably my favorite passage of the book.

"Don't orcs eat, and don't they drink?  Or do they just live on foul air and poison?"

"No, they eat and drink, Sam.  The Shadow that bred them can only mock, it cannot make: not real new things of its own.  I don't think it gave life to the orcs, it only ruined them and twisted them; and if they are to live at all, they have to live like other living creatures."

- The Return of the King, "The Tower of Cirith Ungol"

And finally, this one from the next chapter, "The Land of Shadow," as Frodo and Sam are on the final leg of their quest, deep in the land of Mordor.

There, peeping among the cloud-wrack above a dark tor high up in the mountains, Sam saw a white star twinkle for a while.  The beauty of it smote his heart, as he looked up out of the forsaken land, and hope returned to him.  For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light and high beauty for ever beyond its reach.

And I don't think I could end it any better than that.

"I met a lot of things along the way that astonished me.  Tom Bombadil I knew already; but I had never been to Bree.  Strider sitting in the corner of the inn was a shock, and I had no more idea who he was than Frodo did.  The Mines of Moria had been a mere name; and of Lothlórien no word had reached my mortal ears till I came there."

I had always assumed that he at least had the general plot points sketched out as he wrote LOTR.  And that he didn't even know who Strider was baffles me.  I've often considered Aragorn's character development to be the most interesting (though I still thing that Samwise is my favoriate character overall), so this seems really remarkable.  I can't wait to read more of these letters.

It was really at the start of 2009 that my draw to the Catholic Church really began.  One of the first things to happen was getting a job at Avila University right here in KC.  It is a small private college sponsored by the Sisters of St. Joseph of Carondolet.  While I didn't go through the orientation process and learn the history of the Sisters (that would come in the fall when I went from Adjunct teaching to Artist-in-Residence), I was still impressed by the sense of community I felt there.  Their emphasis on serving the dear neighbor was reflected in many different ways.

Of course, Carrie and I were also preparing for the birth of Rachel.  One thing we had to think about, then, was whether we wanted her to be baptized or dedicated, both of which were offered at our church.  Most of what I had been exposed to, and most particularly in college, were people who believed that baptism was something reserved for those who chose to be baptized, i.e. not babies.  Still, as I began to consider it, I really began to wonder about the history and tradition of baptism.  If the Catholics had been doing it for a looooong time, and if those early Protestant reformers continued the practice, then it really seemed like that might be the way to go.  The weight of history seemed rather overwhelming on the issue to me.  Little did I know that this was my first foray into considering the merit of tradition...

Rachel was baptized on May 31.

That summer, I also traveled with the Avila choir to Italy, which included a stay in Rome and tours of Vatican City.  I experienced somewhat conflicting feelings concerning Catholicism while I was there.  On one hand, it was hard not to have a strong sense of spirituality entering these beautiful churches, but at the same time I was turned off by the display of wealth and power that I also saw.  We attended several Masses, including a Latin mass in St. Peter's and a small, intimate Mass at St. Mark's in Venice (I should add that I studied Latin in college, translating sections of St. Augustine's and St. Patrick's writings at different times, so that Latin mass was very moving).  These were amazing experiences, and I once again found myself being drawn to the beauty of the Mass.  Then again, I also found all the statues and veneration of relics to be a little disconcerting.

Immediately after the trip, I probably would have said that I felt a stronger conviction that certain aspects of the Catholic faith were wrong, and that I could never be Catholic.  In hindsight, though, being further exposed to the profound beauty of the Mass in such houses of worship sparked in me an almost irresistible desire to be a part of it on a regular basis.  It was hard participate in the Mass (even if I could not do so fully) and then return to a church were contemporary music and video screens were the norm.

When school started up again in the fall, it really was sort of the beginning of the end for me, so to speak.  The orientation day consisted of a relatively lengthy presentation about the Sisters, and I was just blonw away.  I wanted to be a part of this Church, but didn't know how I could do that.  Moreover, our orientation continued throughout the semester through biweekly meetings.  That may seem like a terrible idea, but we began every meeting discussing different values that were part of the Sister's identity, such as Solidarity, Dignity of Work, et. al.

I had several conversations with different people over the coming months, that often included me saying, "I really want to be Catholic, but I just can't."  I felt so drawn to the Church but couldn't wrap my head around abandoning Protestantism.  So I began to look into these issues more closely, and also began attending Mass.

I only came across this quote today by G.K. Chesterton, from his The Catholic Church and Conversion, but I think it absolutely describes what I was feeling not too many months ago.

"The moment men cease to pull against it [the Catholic Church] they feel a tug towards it. The moment they cease to shout it down they begin to listen to it with pleasure. The moment they try to be fair to it they begin to be fond of it. But when that affection has passed a certain point it begins to take on the tragic and menacing grandeur of a great love affair. The man has exactly the same sense of having committed or compromised himself; of having been in a sense entrapped, even if he is glad to be entrapped."

Little did I know that it was most likely only a matter of time.  While I studied, I found that even though I had a fair amount of exposure to the Church, I still had many misconceptions.  What before I had considered at best wrong and at worst heretical suddenly was beginning to make entirely too much sense.  That isn't to say that I immediately embraced all of Catholic doctrine (there is soooo much I have to learn and still much that I am not fully sure of), but this research, combined with the strong pull I was already feeling, opened my eyes to a new possibility.  What before had been reprehensible now seemed increasingly probable.

There are of course many details that I'm omitting from this post, specifically those misconceptions and struggles with doctrine.  It really wasn't long, though, before I was meeting with the pastor and my small group to talk about leaving the church to become Catholic.  I've been attending Mass almost every day since early December (Mass every morning is so wonderful, but that's another post) and haven't done much looking back.  I won't actually be able to join our parish's RCIA (Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults) until next September, so I've a while to wait before the process even begins officially.  I was initially miffed that I wouldn't be able to join the Church for such a long time, but now I think it really is for the best.  With the remarkable acceleration towards conversion, this is a wonderful opportunity to pause, reflect, and slow down, and in the end I think joining the Church will be all the sweeter.

This is what happens when I start multi-post series.  I end up knowing how long the next post will take to write and then stop blogging all together.  Rather than let myself slip into that pattern, though, I thought I'd go ahead and let everyone know what's been going on with us.

First of all a quick update, we just took down the Christmas tree and corresponding decorations.  Growing up, this was usually done on Jan 1, but now that I'm becoming Catholic I know that the Christmas season doesn't begin until Dec 25 (or 24th with a vigil) and ends with the feast day of the Baptism of the Lord (today).  Moving forward, we'll have to figure out how to best distinguish the difference between Advent and Christmas in our house.  Not an easy thing to do when the "Christmas season" is more commonly seen as starting on Nov 1 and ending around brunch on Christmas day.  :)

The title, though, refers to us trying to figure out when we'd most like to go to Mass.  This isn't necessarily for us (Sunday at 10:00 gets all the music), but for Rachel.  You see, there are upsides and downsides to all three of the weekend Masses, and while Rachel's enthusiasm for exploration is something I really like about her, it makes Mass attendance tricky.

The Sat at 4:30p works great for her nap schedule but ends a little too close to her bedtime.  With her going to bed around 6:30, she starts getting a little cranky toward the end of that Mass.  The Sunday at 7:30 is our most recent venture, as it sometimes does and sometimes doesn't work with her nap schedule.  Sometimes she's up at 5:45 and ready for a nap before 7:00, and sometimes she sleeps in until nearly 7:00, so that's a little tricky.  It's the shortest service due to the lack of music, but it does mean that BOTH parents now have to be up and ready by 7:20, which is awfully early.  Finally, there's the 10:00 Mass on Sunday, but we haven't quite ventured to try that one yet.  It's the most popular time, so we'd be disturbing more people, and the choir does add some length.  We may try that in the future, but for now, if it works, that 7:30 might just be our best bet.

This being Catholic stuff is tricky.

If I remember correctly, I left off basically right after Carrie and I got married, but I'll need to backtrack somewhat to continue the story.

In the spring semester of 2005, I was in Kansas City and Carrie was in St. Louis.  While we were prepping for the St. Louis wedding, I was also looking around for a church home for the both of us.  Yes, I was church shopping, which given my background shouldn't be too surprising I suppose.  I was looking for a church with modern worship, engaging/challenging preaching, and a real sense of community.  Coming out of college, where small groups were the norm, this last quality was really important for me.

As it turns out, I really found all those things at Lakeland Community Church in Lee's Summit, which was close to a half hour drive away.  I actually came to Lakeland because we got married in an EPC church and thought maybe we should see if there was one we liked in the KC metro area.  As it turns out, I also knew the worship leader from Truman State, and since it meet all my qualifications, I felt confident that this would be our church home, which it ended up being for the next 4 1/2 years.

A few different things happened while attending Lakeland.  The first of which is that even though it in many ways mirrored some of the non-denominaitonal churches I had attended growing up, it did have that Presbyterian flavor as well.  As Lakeland found a permanent home (the first several months we attended were its last in a movie theater, if you can believe it), these traditions were incorporated more and more for various different reasons.

I was for the first time becoming exposed to the liturgical calendar.  This whole time I assumed that Lent was something that Catholics did for "legalistic" reasons.  Now I was starting to get a better sense of the purpose of Lent, and I dove headlong into the practice by fasting.  According to traditions I could find, fasting meant only one full meal a day, which could be supplemented by two small snacks during the day if necessary.  I chose to eat a small breakfast and save my primary meal for dinner.  That was really difficult, and no doubt made me a little grumpy, but that remains one of the most personally significant Easters I've ever experienced.  So I was really starting to get into it, but it seemed that the more we as a church got into the liturgical calendar, the more I wanted.  I didn't necessarily feel a pull to the Catholic Church yet, but that was certainly something that I found very attractive once I did feel drawn that way.

Another thing that started changing for me was my appreciation of contemporary church music.  Now before I go any further, I will say that was the best contemporary music I had ever heard at a church, and I still think that's the case.  The worship leader was even a conservatory grad in vocal performance, so rehearsals were a bit more on par with what I was used to as well.  That being said, I was in graduate school, which meant I took a class on Medieval music, which meant that I got to learn a great deal about the music and history of the Mass.

I had a friend say once that Catholicism is the default faith for music graduates, and I could hardly agree more.  After learning about early music (which is largely the music of the Church), and brushing up on it for doctoral comprehensive exams, I felt like I knew about as most Catholics about what was going on in Mass.  This ties into my appreciation of contemporary Christian music because the more I was exposed to these traditions and the stunning music behind them, the less satisfying the music at our church became.  Again, this was just laying the groundwork for my eventual move to Catholicism, because at the time it simply felt like something that wasn't clicking right.

In 2009, though, things really began to change...

Our child is crazy.  My wife blames my side of the family, of course, for this behavior.  She just is on full throttle all the time, which I haven't seen in any other baby we've come across.  She is rarely content to just sit and play, but must always be crawling/climbing/exploring/chasing/putting things in her mouth.  Then, after a couple of hours of crazy, she gets cranky-crazy and needs to take a nap.  Thankfully (and mercifully), she will sit still for one or two books, which is often just enough to get her calm before a nap or bedtime.  Still, it's exhausting for me after about half an hour, so I don't know how Carrie does it all day.

Oh, and she rarely naps more than 45 minutes.

First of all, I will apologize that this post neither continues my "Decade in Review" series or the "Road to Catholocism" series.  It's late on a Monday night, and I've got stuff to do in the morning.

That's not really the apology that I wanted to talk about, though.  I was referring more to the study of faith known as apologetics, being a defense of the faith.  What's interesting about the process of converting to the Catholic faith is that all of my Protestant friends have a lot of questions for me about the Catholic faith and points of view, which I am either minimally or barely educated about.  (I haven't even begun the RCIA classes yet.)  Still, as a doctoral student minimally educated means more that I'm in the exploratory phase of research rather than just ignorant, I suppose...

That being said, while I've done quite a bit of reading about the Catholic faith over the last month or two, I know that I'm hardly qualified to be giving an explanation of the positions of the Church, much less any sort of defense.  Thankfully my friends are being very cool about this whole process, and (I hope) understand that I am not necessarily the person to give them the proper answers.

Still, one of the beauties of the Catholic faith is its rich history of teachings and writings.  There are many lifetimes worth of study possible, which could excite any nerd.  There are already several books that I want to start reading, and if it weren't for that pesky dissertation thing, I would be diving right in...

Sigh.

Picking up where I left off with

2005 -

This year saw Carrie beginning her teaching internship in St. Louis, which meant that we were now four hours apart rather than just three.  I was also getting busier with my own studies and work (I was accompanying choirs at Park Hill South part time, which was just enough to cover my bills).  Wedding preparations were in full swing, which included trying to find a pastor to marry us.  Carrie's family attended a Catholic church, but I didn't want a Catholic wedding (but that's for another post).  We ended up finding a pastor through a friend who agreed to marry us with some pre-marital counseling.

On May 28th, then, we were married.

It was a wonderful ceremony with great music, naturally.  We honeymooned in Hawaii (on Oahu, specifically), and got to see all sorts of great things.  We went to various beaches, downtown Honolulu, Pearl Harbor, two luaus, Hanauma Bay, and even a moderately disastrous hike.  Unfortunately, all pictures were lost as, after loading them onto the computer, the were unceremoniously deleted when the hard drive failed.  Everything was backed up save those pictures.  :(  Carrie says that we'll just have to go back.

We flew back into St. Louis to pick up presents and Carrie's belongings and moved to KC, just off the Plaza in a one bedroom apartment.  At the same time, Carrie's folks moved out to Grand Junction, CO, a long-delayed work transfer.  We visited that summer for the first time, and while it was very beautiful, it was also quite hot.